Sunday, July 08, 2007

Portraits of a Family Vacation

Vignette I - Good Night, Sleep Tight

Me: Goodnight, [Boy], I love you.

The Boy: Goodnight Mom. Don't worry about the noise, that's just me farting.

Vignette II - Fire and Ice
(overheard in the back of the van, one hour into the trip)

Older Girl: I am the good land of Scotland and you are the attacking land of Iceland, and I have a wall up so that you cannot come over here.

The Boy (hand outstretched): Pssht - FIRE!

Older Girl: No, I have a wall up, but you can't see it.

The Boy: Pssht - FIRE!

Older Girl: It's invisible, but there is a WALL there so you can't DO that!

The Boy: Pssht - FIRE!

Older Girl: NO, [BOY]!! I have a WALL UP . . .

The Boy: Pssht - FIRE!

Older Girl (increasingly distraught): I SAID I HAVE A WALL UP!

The Boy: Pssht - FIRE!

Older Girl: This WALL is made of thick ICE so your fire can't get through it.

The Boy: Pssht - FIRE!

Older Girl: Your fire can't melt my . . .

The Boy: Pssht - FIRE!


The Boy (whispering): pssht - FIRE!

Vignette III - Discriminating Taste
(while dining in the very fancy, expensive hotel restaurant)

Older Girl (to the waitress): Your service here is par excellence.

Waitress (surprised): Thank you, Miss. We aim to please.

Older Girl: Well, you hit the mark at this place.

Vignette IV - How You Doin'?
(after a nice woman held the hotel door for us)

The Boy: Thank you, Ma'am.

Woman: Oh, you're welcome.

The Boy (looking her up and down slowly): Hmm. You look good.

Woman (flustered): Um . . . thank you very much.

Vignette V - So Many Choices, So Little Time
(while traveling out in the boonies)

Me: We need to find a place to eat, the kids are hungry.

Rob: Okay, let's drive around town and see what we can find.

Me: I don't think we should do fast food again. Let's try to find something halfway decent.

(we keep driving, driving, and driving, until we end up back where we started)

Rob: Well, where does this leave us - besides in Shanty Town?

Me: As far as I can see, we can pick the Whippy-Dip or we can go with Mr. Chicken or we can try something different and go for Kool's Carry-Out, Car Wash, and Dog Wash, although I'm not exactly sure what we'd be carrying out of there.

Rob: M*cDonald's it is.

Vignette VI - There's No Place Like Home
(upon arriving at the hotel)

Me: Wow, isn't this a nice place to stay?

The Boy: Yep! Can we go home now?


  1. Fire and Ice? Laughed 'til I cried! Sounds like your boy and mine were separated at birth. I can can almost hear my son now -
    Pssht- Fire!

  2. Hi! I just randomly came across your blog tonight. I love your sense of humor. It sounds like your kids keep you entertained. :)

  3. Vignette III and IV are the best! I can't wait til mine are old enough to spout such humor! Classic!!!

  4. don't worry about the noise, mom! hahaha!

    let us know how that war between iceland and scotland works out.

    how funny.

  5. Laughing hysterically...the par excellence started it, but the "you look good" finished me off.

    Sounds like it was wonderful!

  6. That fire and ice gave me a good giggle. Almost sounds like me own two...except it's funnier because it's NOT my own too! LOL ;)

  7. Trips with the offspring. Heaven.

    VERY funny!

  8. We did the "driving around until we found something slightly healthy to eat" thing too. We also ended up at McD's. Not much out there. I love the one where the lady is holding the door open for your son. Too funny! Sounds like a fun and interesting trip:)

  9. I should try that with my children. They're screaming and fighting and I tell them, "I have a WALL UP, you can't DO that!"

  10. LOVE IT!! Dear God, I needed a laugh. The fire thing? PRICELESS!

  11. I love it. Older Girl can't believe that The Boy doesn't get it...that her fantasy outweighs HIS! He knows better! ...beautiful


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