The lists are piling up thick around here. Okay, maybe not exactly piling up since I have them all categorized on the iPad, but there are still multiple lists going. Baking, shopping, things the children would like (bow and arrows, anyone?), they just keep scrolling through my head.
Then Rob asked me what I would like for Christmas and I have no idea. All year long I see little things that I could put to good use in my daily life and I think, "That's a great idea for a Christmas gift. If someone asks me what I need, I'm going to tell them this is it!" And then I promptly forget. Until December 26th. I am so annoying.
On the other hand, I've seen enough commercials to know what I would not like this Christmas, and what I will not be buying anyone else:
One: Pajama Jeans
Have you seen these? They are supposed to be as comfortable as sweats so that you can go from lying in bed to a swinging party without having to change your pants.
First of all, if I am going to a swinging party, then I AM CHANGING MY PANTS. I go to maybe two parties a year that are not held at a bounce house or Chuck E. Cheese, I think I can handle popping up off my duff and putting on something nicer than what amounts to elasticized jeans-looking stretch pants. Maybe these are great for that gal who has a packed social calendar, or at least a very spontaneous one. I have neither.
Besides, I need my jeans to be constructed out of the highest quality denim, preferably with some kind of girdle sewn into them. I have too much to be held in to risk it on Pajama Jeans.
Two: Dreadlocks Santa Hat
Why? I'm sure that Santa comes to the islands, just like he does the rest of the world, but I highly doubt he dons this cap.
You know this was only invented to part college guys from their pizza and beer money.
Three: The BangO
I have six children who are all pathologically attracted to scissors (well, I'm not sure about Baby yet, but I'm playing the percentages). And when they get those scissors, there isn't enough paper in the world to satisfy them. Nope, they need curtains and bedspreads and Barbies and hair. Especially the hair.
If this ever fell into the wrong hands, of which there are SIX PAIRS here, the results would be unimaginable. Actually, I can imagine it, so no. Nonono.
Four: The RoboStir
Theoretically, I should be able to put this to good use. If there is anyone out there who has burned something in a sauce pan because she was distracted by mayhem, then that girl is moi. You would think that a device I could clip onto my pot to stir and stir the soup while I deal with whatever Lord of the Flies situation is going down would be a genius move.
But I can see it all going awry. The RoboStir won't stop stirring, or it shorts out and splatters soup all over the kitchen. Burned soup in a pan is easier to clean up than perfectly fine soup sprayed all over the back splash and the wall.
Five: Sauna Pants
This is the gift you get someone who doesn't want to reproduce. I am all about melting fat away, but I'm not real keen on that much heat being supplied to the general baby making area.
Call me crazy, but I just don't think it's a wise idea to wear pants that you need to plug in.
Six: The As Seen On TV Hat
This just looks ridiculous. How are you supposed see where you are going when you are essentially wearing a View-Master stuck to your face? Pretty soon, we won't even need this because we'll have movies played directly on our retinas thanks to the computer chips we have embedded in our skulls.
Seven: Forever Lazy
These might be a sign of the apocalypse. At least a cultural one.
They are basically footless footie pajamas for adults. That are meant to be worn outside your home. You know, to tailgates and such. And here I thought the pajama jeans were too casual. Why not just put on a prison jumpsuit? It's the same design, just fewer color choices.
Look, there's a drawstring hoodie! And you can keep your hands a feet free! You know what else keeps your hands and feet free? Shirts and pants.
But the "zippered hatches in front and back for great escapes when duty calls"? Eww.
I am no fashion icon, but I for darn sure know that this can't look good on anyone.
Have a great weekend, my friends. And if you feel the need to be forever lazy, at least wear something that you can pull up and down in the bathroom.