| Thirteen ThingsI've learned since becoming a Mom
1. Privacy? What's privacy? Doesn't everyone shower with a 4 year old's face pressed to the frosted glass door and pee with the door open?
2. If you think giving birth was messy, you're right, but you ain't seen nothin' yet. Once your sick infant throws up in your mouth or, say, your pre-schooler says he "found poop" on his bed, come and talk to me. (All hypothetical situations, of course.)
3. Your body WILL NEVER be the same. Even if you get back to your pre-pregnancy weight, there will always be something just a little off from the way you were before. It's like a little "Baby wuz here" sign.
4. You can go ahead and put all your cute, little purses into storage for a few years. You won't be carrying anything smaller than a duffel bag for a little while. But the upside is that you can pretty much take an entire turkey dinner into the movies if you want -- oh wait, scratch that, you won't actually be going to the theater anyway.
5. Your house will not look like it belongs on HGTV. It will be furnished in early Little Tikes, and whatever is not molded plastic will be charmingly "hand distressed." (But cheer up-- it might deter robbers if it looks like someone beat them to it.)
6. Children born of and raised by calm, polite parents will still, on occasion, act like they were raised by wolves in a public place, preferably a very public place that is supposed to be quiet, like church. And even though you feel the embarrassment creep up into your cheeks like a fire, it doesn't mean that you're a bad mom.
7. When you are nine months pregnant with your third child, and you are in the Motherhood store trying to buy cute slipper socks so the L&D nurses can't see your not cute feet, and a woman, who looks to be about 4 months pregnant, holds up a pair of XL maternity pants and says "OMG, if you ever need pants this size you have a serious problem," and those are the exact pants that you are bursting out of at that very moment, it's OK to want to heave yourself onto her and scratch her eyes out. (Another hypothetical situation.)
8. When you are in labor and you are pushing, and your doctor says "Don't push, just blow" your leg might accidentally slip and kick him in the head. It's more common than you think.
9. Postpartum depression happens to A LOT of women. It's normal, it's treatable, and it should be something that draws us closer to other moms, not separates us. (This is not a hypothetical situation.)
10. The cleanliness of your child's face and clothing is directly proportional to the number of people who will see her that day. If you are just hanging out at home, scrubbing toilets, chances are she will remain pretty decent looking. But if you are taking her for pictures or to the doctor's office, it will look like you picked her up off of the trash heap on which you let her play and hit the road.
11. Going from man-to-man (1-2 kids) to zone (2-3 kids) defense is hard, but it's nothing compared to being tapped to leave the bench for the first time and join the game
12. Corollary to #10: The urgency with which your newly potty-trained child needs to use the bathroom is directly proportional to your distance from the nearest bathroom-accessible exit on the highway.
13. I've learned to never underestimate my children. They see more, hear more, feel more, and do more than I think they possibly can, but they also love more and forgive more than I ever do. They are so cool.
This was originally posted on November 9, 2006. Way back in the day when I used to actually do a Thursday Thirteen. Now I'm lucky if I remember that it's Thursday.
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