Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'

I'm supposed to be out Christmas shopping right now. Obviously I have decided against that.

As an alternative, I told myself that I would stay home and clean the bathrooms. I've obviously decided against that as well.

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I just cannot get it together these days. I am feeling the last minute crush of consumerism even though I have 99% of all of my shopping done. Weird, right?

I'm not in a Bah Humbug kind of mood - I actually feel quite content most of the time - but I have no desire to do anything else. At the beginning of Advent I had great plans for fun things to do with the children, and here we are, burning the pink candle at both ends, and almost none of the plans have come to fruition.

We have our tree and we are fully decorated, but that's about the extent of the preparedness. There are no Christmas cookies, I missed BooMama's Christmas home tour, laundry is everywhere, the larder is empty, and there is not a paper product to be found in this house. I've been reading blogs, but not commenting on others or posting to my own. I'm usually a wastrel with those two cents, my friends.

I have absolutely no energy left, and I have a sinking feeling that it has nothing to do with the physical side of being 33 weeks pregnant. It's a little more cerebral. Okay, it's a lot more cerebral.

I've seen this before, and the end result has always been a little renewal of my friendship with my pal Sertraline. She's a nice girl - quiet, steady, dependable - and she has always been a good friend for the 10 months or so that I need her. The problem is that I would rather not need her at all.

Ever the punctual girl, I like to get a jump on my post partum depression and start the downward slide while I'm still pregnant. I hate to be late to a party, you know. After three bouts, I can almost start to see the symptoms, although it usually does take an outside observation (Rob, that's you, mmkay?) to put me on the right track to the doctor.

For me, the difficulty comes in the discernment. Am I just tired? Am I just lazy? If I am recognizing the symptoms, does that mean I'm actually still in the clear? Are all of these homebody feelings God's way of telling me to throttle back before the baby comes?

I don't know anymore.

I am trying to pray about it, but even those efforts seem clunky and sluggish. The "one day at a time" principle has always been a hard one for me to swallow. I am the girl who is simultaneously cleaning the kitchen cabinets, folding the laundry, and sorting outgrown clothes. while I've got the grilled cheeses lined up in the pan for lunch. Why do just one thing at a time when the HomeFront motto is Go Big or Go Home?

Maybe this is the best way for me to prepare for having four young children in my home. I have to face the facts and let some things go. Things like an empty laundry room, and a kitchen floor that is still clean 24 hours after I wash it. No one remembers that kind of stuff anyway.

This is such a short season in my life; this season of babies and toddlers and crumbs and stickiness. I'm reminded of that everyday when Francie finds her way out the door, completely dressed and fed under her own steam. If I concentrate on the brevity, I find that I am not as concerned about all the things I have left undone.

So maybe there is hope for me after all. But the prayers don't hurt either.

11 comments:

  1. I'll say a prayer (or two or three) for you. I think you are recognizing the symptoms because you know what to look for, and maybe taking medication is a good idea. You've been here--you can figure out what is best for you. I hope it gets better soon.

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  2. Anonymous5:02 PM

    Prayers comin' your way- don't feel bad. I love the crazy of christmas but have found myself more frazzled as of late than overjoyed. I am not pregnant so it's not a hormonal thing. I think it is just realizing that I need to let some thing go, like you said and focus on what will be remembered. So thanks for the blog, it helped me out today and I will pray for you too.
    try to get some rest.
    Mirabella MOM

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  3. I will add my prayers too. I've been down that road myself so my heart aches for you. I'm glad to know that there is medication that works for you, so hopefully soon things will be looking up.
    My youngest child is 5 and I still haven't figured out how to have a kitchen floor stay clean a full 24 hours....go easy on yourself!

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  4. I'll keep you in my prayers. I've never been down the PPD road, but fear I'm beginning to get mild depression in the winter months. I know what you mean about recognizing the symptoms and wondering if that means you're alright or not. Hopefully this time around will be better for you.

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  5. Awww, hon, seems we are traveling the same road these days only i don't have the pregnancy to 'blame' it on. i've been toying with going back on the Zoloft myself, but i just hate to do that after being off of it successfully for almost 2 years now. But i recognize that i am not the only one who suffers during these times...and so i must do what i must do....and so must you.
    You are not alone, my love, you are NOT alone!

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  6. yes- focus on the fleeting (though it doesn't feel like it is right now) nature of this time...it's the only thing that gets ME through when I am up for the fourth time with the newborn while the 2.5 year old is crying that she lost her binky and wants her sheet on in the middle of the night.

    these things, too, shall pass. i love you. i'm thinkin' about ya...

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  7. FullHouse9:53 AM

    I have been in your shoes. I just had my fourth baby, and recognized the symptoms about 1/2 way through my pregnancy. No energy, overwhelmed by life, etc. I had been on Zoloft after my 3rd baby, and it worked wonders. I decided not to try to tough it out this time, and went back on it 4 weeks postpartum. I feel like a new person. The little things don't push me over the edge like they did before. I'm hoping not to be on it more than 9 months or so, but we'll see. Hang in there....you are not alone!

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  8. You've been BLESSED!
    http://sfomom.blogspot.com/2007/12/god-bless-you.html

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  10. Honey, my prayers are with you always. My best friend is Celexa - and has been for 6+ years now. I take it daily and don't feel back about it!

    PPD is a hormonal imbalance and you can't CAN NOT! stave it off, pretend it doesn't happen, or blame yourself! Depression of any kind is not something you can just "work through" sometimes. Please don't get down on yourself - after all, your recognition of needing any kind of help is a positive step.

    Obviously, this is my soapbox and I'd be more than happy to chat with you about it off blog, if you want or need. Just, please, don't feel bad.

    As to the kitchen floor? If it's still clean an hour after mopping - I consider it a success!!

    Hang in there, girlfriend. (((HUGS)))

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  11. Prayers for you. BTW, I'm only one person, and if I get behind on the laundry, sometimes I just bag it all up and take it over to the laundromat and use a whole lot of washers all at once. Sometimes it keeps the wolf at bay.

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